The Other Kind of Streaming

And I don't mean Netflix

Painting by Son #1

I’ve been taking a long analytical look at what is slowing me down recently. My head never seems to quite empty of what I expect of myself (perhaps this is just being a woman?) but sometimes I wake early and sift through all the strata of my thoughts.

I’ve been what I like to call a ‘Buddhist Enthusiast’ for many years now - and I hesitate to even say that, in a way, because it can conjure all kinds of wrong headed thinking.

The term 'mindfulness’ has already become a sort of corporate buzz word and tacky memes abound with pithy sayings (often incorrectly) attributed to the Buddha. What I like most (about Buddhism) is the sensible, intelligent, almost neuroscience approach to the way our brains can lead us around with no basis in what is actually true, especially with regard to anxiety.

The term “monkey mind” is frequently bandied about and will be familiar to many but when you do actually watch your own mind like an outsider, tracking and noting where thoughts begin and end it’s easy to see how apt this term is. Swinging wildly from one thought to another at top speed it’s like a monkey navigating the jungle emitting a piercing shriek as he goes (oh wait, that was me) but unless you are really aware, tightly but gently focussing, it’s easy to get hijacked.

Obviously Virginia Woolf nailed the whole stream-of-consciousness thing but we each one of us have our own ongoing, inner monologues going on all the time whether we realize or not. And despite years of reading and educating myself about all this I often simply forget everything I know and suddenly my thoughts are in the front seat driving when I didn’t even know we were going OUT …

Careful listening with a spot of intention thrown in can be quite revealing.

Here’s a sampler pack of a recent rainy day-morning in my head and it goes liiiike this … the lack of punctuation here, just this once, is intentional.

Ancient Paint Box given to me with love from D

I wonder if I should try and go back to sleep again although coffee would be very nice right about now even though it feels too cold to pursue the idea I am also thinking maybe we should up our coffee game altogether as the drip system we currently own is showing signs of decay although I don’t think we can be French Press People as I’ve done it before in my previous life and although the coffee may taste superior I do feel as though I am constantly making more since it doesn’t make enough the first time and doesn’t keep hot and seriously what kind of a First World problem is this I need to stop whining and check my bank account today as it approaches the middle of the month which can be a tricky financial time I really, really need to look for more vegetarian meals I have so many cookbooks (and you know, the Internet) yet all I seem to find are cheesy, tomato based things or repetitive bean ideas which I quickly tire of and even though I like to cook I may also like to do other things as well and therefore cannot face the palaver of soaking cashews overnight plus it’s a bit of a texture thing for me and of course the news that I have high cholesterol is an additional challenge since I adore eggs and now can only have them occasionally and my elder brother keeps hens that produce THE most wonderful eggy-eggs with deep orange yolks I have to call him this week don’t I and pick up some eggs if they have some it’s spring here and ‘The Girls’ as he calls them are starting to produce more reliably so maybe I should do that today and anyway eating too much meat is not good for us OR the planet, just read an NPR article that mentioned that since 1970 the world has lost two thirds of its wildlife which could make me weep it is absolutely horrifying and I was also reading that bats love to scoop down and sip their water as they fly so apparently a backyard pond is hugely beneficial to them and since we do have a large one we are helping the environment at least in some small way and each year I look forward to seeing and hearing an entire Mariachi band of toad choruses they are so funny and I can watch them for ages I often feel I’ve been born in the wrong time slot I should be outside painting water colours like Beatrix Potter or writing poetry in a basic yet charming hut at the end of a tangled garden also is it just me or has anyone else been struck with the nubby similarity between a toad’s back and a dill pickle …

Handsome Resident Toad from 2023

and I just noticed that the back wall of our pond is actually heaving, giving way a bit and must be fixed which is a big task I am considering getting estimates from a mason to perhaps having a little brick wall made to support things but I don’t know if this is financially feasible right now and I must check because Son #2 mentioned that he has some old yellow bricks I can have (we have an old yellow brick house the colour of butter as does he) but there may not be enough to make a wall my contractor friend must have a name for a decent mason I’ll text him and find out when it’s light outside we also have to replace eavestrough and that will be expensive not sure how all these repairs can be kept at bay I must keep calm about it all and oh there were so many tiny metallic bees (Mason bees? that’s the connector here) around the pond yesterday I think this must be an encouraging sign at least for our humble back garden but I meant to compile a list of other small suggestions that we can do and follow up on there is also a so-called Bug Snug I’ve heard about that seemed fun to make and helpful to the insects and also provides a tidy place to keep dead wood and flower stalks at the same time I really am fairly proficient at following through but a list anchors me provides a sense of accomplishment so I need a list on-the-go at all times and Post-it notes I just used the last one so should pick some up when we go out D. and I are very very different in our sense of how best to spend the day in that he is content to do the same things most days even eating the exact same lunch nearly always a ham sandwich what the heck is that but an ideal day for him constitutes not doing much of anything at all certainly nothing that involves planning whereas I have to achieve something or at least learn something or I feel myself start to sink as I need to feel useful I am certainly not incapable of relaxing despite how all this might sound I definitely gravitate towards that many times every day but I also need to accomplish something that ‘I can point at’ as I often say oh and the book I am reading which is a bio of Penelope Fitzgerald mentioned John Ruskin an art critic and polymath extraordinaire that I’d like to find out more about especially since he also taught William Morris who I’ve always been interested in I love those textile patterns so much as well as chintz, blue and white china, Spode and Talavera ware

Talavera ware in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

and I might have a little internet session reading about him later on I actually didn't know much about Penelope Fitzgerald either but we recently visited a ‘new’ second-hand bookstore extremely funky nicely laid out and a thumping really decent blues playlist going on and a few books called out to me as they are wont to do I do believe in being led in this manner and I now devote a wee moleskine notebook to jot these things down and yes I know I could do this in my phone but for some things I prefer the old school pen-and-ink lists there is always so much I want to follow up on (not just the banal stuff like buying more apples and milk but articles I’d like to pursue books that Patti Smith suggests that I can literally never track down as they are so obscure) and it is so frustrating to not be more educated about so many topics I find fascinating and to me it’s only sensible to be constantly updating myself as more information becomes available because as Maya Angelou wisely noted when you know better do better and I could not agree with her more I think too curiosity has always been very much at the front of my personality and it has proved invaluable more than once the cat is crossing the bedspread now he is getting to be what we call an Elder Cat now even though he ricochets around the house each night banking off the kitchen cabinets but it saddens me to think how old he really is he’s such a lovely cat a Siamese

‘Dresden’ AKA: ‘Drezzie’, ‘Dr. Dre’ and ‘The Dresdonian Cat’

and adores our Terrier they are such good friends I need to make some more dog biscuits I like to make my own as they are Stanley’s absolute favourite and then I know just what is in them I have also started making my own bread and that means another task which is best completed in the morning before anyone else is up and about and that warm smell is such a nice thing for others to wake up to as well and then if nothing else I will have that done and maybe I will treat myself to a Grace Dent podcast when I get down there and sit down to make that list …

It’s now 5:35 a.m.

I think I will make coffee.

Are you exhausted (or worse still) bored reading all that?

AND FINALLY …

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Thank you always for your support, Friends xo